Me, the Best Weapon in the Teenage Abstinence Program.

I was driving past our local high school recently and noticed an unusually high number of teenage girls with strollers. It was during school hours, so I'm fairly sure they weren't babysitting. Plus, the majority of the teeny-bopper-Moms were smoking while ignoring the kids as they chatted or texted each other. Not really Mary Popins-type behaviour.

It got me to thinking that, I may still be of use to society... you know, even though I'm JUST A MOM. You see I used to be HOT. No seriously.... this isn't one of those well embellished memories that our parents used to share (ie: " Snow? Snow ? You don't know Snow!!! I used to walk up hill to school, in 7 feet of snow, in July, both ways!). I actually was. Hot that is. I had a lean, curvy, body that was still fairly muscley from years of competitive gymnastics and more recently from dancing, all night, at clubs and raves. I have some photos of me in a swim suit just prior to my becoming preggers. Frankly, they are the only photos that I will own up to these days.

Then there is the body I have now... 7 years later. Lets just say its been a cruel seven years. What was once curvy has devolved into pure rubinesque opulence. The muscle has atrophiod in order to make way for the sheer magnitude of extra nubby flesh; coating my frame like the thick insulation on a sealion. The startling contrasts between the two images of the same person should be enough to encourage intelligent use of latex; if not double duty with some hormone profilactics aswell. I think if more girls were aware of the true physical costs to their bodies, they might be guarding the gates a little better. Couple that issue with knowledge that I am one of the famed 3% that became preggers WHILE using birthcontrol and POW!!! After school specials have nothing on me! I think, if you were to connect the stretch marks on my gut it would spell out "For the love of Pete Woman, Cross your freaking legs!"

After verbally describing the horror that is my body, to an auditorium full of hormonally charged youngsters, I would then go in for my coup de gras. Yup, the visual aid! Young Girls may run screaming from the gymnasium when I doff my top (who am I kidding the guys'll run too... even teenage boys have their standards). But, the terrifyingly pathetic memory of me standing there, exposed, in all my billowy flabbiness, will be seared in their memories forever.

Actually, on second thought who needs that kind of universal humiliation. I might just bring about a complete end to Human reproduction, through a misguided attempt to make the world a better place. That's a whole lotta guilt that I don't need.

Besides, it's already been done...and with far greater results. When Rachel became knocked up on "Friends", she actually had frizzy hair for a few episodes after giving birth. Clearly, the media is doing a great and honest job of accurately portraying the costs of Motherhood to today's youth. My methods may be a bit heavy handed.

But hey, WHATDOIKNOWI"MJUSTAMOM

Maggie